r1cepudding | Entries tagged with life

I have a pretty random thought; am I the only one who finds it very difficult to focus on podcasts? I can understand the words, properly see (YES it's metaphorical, stop sniggering in the back!) the bandages that swathe the words to form a coherent sentence, and I can most definitely understand what the sentence is trying to say. For example, from Night Vale's second episode:

"Apparently the cloud glows in a variety of colors, perhaps changing from observer to observer, although all report a low whistling when it draws near."

I know what Cecil is trying to say. He's trying to say that this mysterious cloud that's devouring the community glows in a variety of colours that change depending on the observer, and everyone who has encountered the glow cloud thus far reports a low whistling when it draws near.

I mean, I'm not deaf nor illiterate. I can understand it perfectly!

Until.

Until Cecil moves onto the second/third sentence. If only I could bash my Spotify account against my head until the episode seeped into my brain and I could transcribe the entire thing word for word onto my blogpost, right? I thought so.

I actually need to have a transcript on my screen at all times whenever I listen to podcasts, which defeats the entire purpose of a podcast because why listen to a podcast in the first place if you can just read it off the web? To some it might be an inconvenience, but to me it honestly depends on my eyes - I have crippling astigmatism that I'm sure won't ever leave my ass so my eyes easily strain, and strained eyes are an indisputable sure-fire way to get a throbbing headache that makes your eyes feel like they're Too Big for your sockets. :(

On the bright side, I find being able to focus on the content important, and it doesn't matter if I have to simultaneously read a Tumblr transcript and listen to the podcast. I feel the good outweighs the bad, so all is well. :D LOLOL, just me ranting to the void yet again about my first-world problems. Same old, same old!

Current Mood: bored
Current Music: "Hey, this Domino by Jessie J is pretty catchy."

Time is weird. I went off DW for a couple of days and came back missing around 7 entries.

Life goes on, quite literally, it seems.

In other news, I made a blogpost ( La Maison Du Vide ) three days ago that's closely themed as Night Vale! SQUEE! And did you notice I changed my icon? Right, ciao Mary Poppins! Hello Summer icon! :D I often change my icon depending on my mood and the entry, but I mostly post my stuff using the default icon because I'm too lazy to mess with the navigation bar. /o\ I also made a Goodreads account, FINALLY. It's been approximately three months since I last read a book - my phone (the one which can handle epubs with its innate epub-dexterity) broke down along with my finicky mental health, but working out has been helping a lot and I've been afloat for a week now! Realised that I'm probably mentally stable enough to read a whole book (making reviews is another thing, stop expecting too much!) whilst working on my DBT and CBT worksheets. :)

Current Mood: calm
Current Location: making music with your daddy
Current Music: The Chain by Ingrid Michaelson... wait, is it on loop?

I'm a very kind and simple woman.

Anyone who argues depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues are things you can just "get over with" by changing the way you think in such a ridiculously short amount of time will turn into a flea—a harmless little flea, then I'll put that flea in a box, then I'll put that box inside another box, then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives, I'll smash it with Tungsten Thor's Hammer.

Kind and simple.

Here's the thing, depression isn't just something you can switch off. Simply framing your thoughts as things you'd think about to purposefully make yourself as miserable as possible isn't going to make it all better. In fact, the vast majority of people with depression already know that their "coping mechanisms" aren't healthy and are actively making their condition worse but still have a very difficult time managing and carrying out basic, everyday tasks. It's not laziness, it's not procrastination (although it is a very common aspect of depression), and it sure as hell ain't the lack of willpower when depressed people actually have to exert more willpower to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Depression isn't even something you can will yourself out of. It takes more than just saying, "I don't want to be cranky and miserable tomorrow so I'll just stop lying down and mindlessly surfing the internet. It isn't that hard!"

But it is that hard.

On the flip side of the same coin, a mindset change IS important if you want to see a difference, which is why therapy exists, amongst all the treatments proven to be effective against depression. Its primary goal is to change your irrational thought patterns that keep you chained. Additionally, depression is a disorder. There is a chemical imbalance in the neurochemistry of a depressed person's brain that makes it immensely hard not to feel awful, which is also why psychiatrists exist to prescribe medications that can balance the chemicals in your brain. Psychotherapy and medications work together, and you shouldn't neglect therapy and settle for medications alone, the same way it's recommended not to neglect medications and settle for therapy alone.

However, mental health, like many things in life, isn't black and white; what worked for you may not work for someone else. The struggle is often finding the "right" therapist who'll use therapeutic techniques based on what you best respond to. It's hard to make a general statement, it's hard to understand for some people who haven't had to deal firsthand with depression and other mental health issues, and it's harder to conclude a surefire effective answer that's guaranteed to completely reverse depression.

It's exactly why I find the post kind of insensitive and weird, and I honestly felt bad for a second. I can see past the approach, however, and I don't believe OP had any bad intentions. Just thought someone had to say it. :D

Current Music: Devils Don't Fly by Natalia Kills

WHOA. Slow down, buttercup. I think the universe is trying to take advantage of my obsession with Reddit by chastising me through Reddit. Very mean, don't you think?

Well, you guys know just how much I love wasting my time scrolling through r/AmItheAsshole, right? It's entertaining, it's pretty juicy, and overall a pleasant subreddit where you can learn about what NOT to do to steer clear of assholesery. I mean, you never know. So yesterday I was reading posts from the subreddit, as per usual, when I came across this post, and it wasn't that big of a deal at first ("Oh ok, I see, a typical high-school drama between the popular girl and the recluse. I can see why it's annoying, yeah, but why is it such a big deal to you?") until it dawned on me that it was really just a pathetic case of sour grapes and that I can somehow slightly relate to OP because I'm also going through my own field of sour grapes, only that I never and will never try convincing a bunch of strangers to stay in my corner and rag on She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to feel validated in my aversion. I don't think my dislike for her is even valid, it's really just a draining clusterfuck of a feeling that sprouted from pure, unadulterated jealousy. SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHHHHHH. :(

Yikes. I don't think it's right to feel proud for feeling this way even though I didn't go on a tangent about how so-and-so is annoying on Reddit. If anything, it's such an ugly and limiting feeling because I can't enjoy the things You-Know-Who also enjoys without scampering away and having a full-blown meltdown about everything that went wrong in my life. It's toxic, it's really unfair, I don't know everything about her iceberg. And someone hit the nail on the head when they said OP doesn't dislike Birthday Girl as a person at all. OP was only looking to make her a scapegoat because it's a lot easier than accepting that her bitter feelings come from her own life and problems. I can relate.

Current Mood: awake
Current Location: Uh, why are you reading this?
Current Music: Heather by Conan Gray

Really random, but I can't believe I just made mental notes about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy with Gitchee Gitchee Goo as the background music LOLOLOL! It's not really a DBT or study-appropriate sound, is it? Or psychology-appropriate, for that matter.

Edit: I came back to add that I've reverted to the old Reddit design. It's much less offending to the eyes. :DDD

Current Location: inside your quaker oats tin can
Current Music: Gitchee Gitchee Go by Phineas & Ferb

Earlier on the way to the supermarket I saw Yellow the Stray Outdoor Cat with his sister whom I call The Other Cat. The two were huddled together in front of the building with their fur parents (the mum was a white/orange tabby and the dad was one white/gray/black Herculean fella, really stronk and handsome) and weren't exactly frightened by my presence, which pleasantly surprised me because Yellow used to flounce back into the shadows like, literally, whenever I approach him.

Anyway! While the furballs were hashing out their master plan for world domination and enslaving the whole human race, I took the chance to sneak back into the building and grab some cat food to feed them, and you guys, why does cat food smell so fishy and strange? Not that it's a problem or anything, I don't think it has ever been a problem for any catmums/catdads out there, just that I had to continue my supermarket journey with a fish-smelling right hand is all. Greasy, too.

Maybe I can deter them from taking over the world, after all. :DDDDDD

My honey, D, has been asleep the whole day after taking his first dose of AstraZeneca vaccine yesterday, so I didn't get to re-watch Mary Poppins Returns with him (he fell asleep halfway through the bloody movie). I think I'll just nag him like an old lady next week since he's feeling a bit sick right now as if, I quote, he'd done some really tedious "upper body workout", end quote. I hope he feels better soon. A, on the other hand, has been really sad and devastated over her dysfunctional family. She told me her brother had run away temporarily, I guess to "think" or "clear his head", I don't know. Probably. We had a little chit-chat about mental health (like genetic mental disorders or something) as usual to get her mind off things. Oh, universe! I, too, get really, and I say really, frustrated and mad whenever I hear people bicker over petty matters. I understand her. You can't just "not listen and care" when you can hear both your parents swearing through the thin walls. Conflicts are normal in a relationship, and I don't object to the concept of fighting-in-front-of-your-kids so long as it's fair and respectful because parents are supposed to be their kid's models for relationships, resolving conflicts, EVERYTHING! Violence can be psychologically damaging, you textureless dickheads! And the fiddler always gets paid!

I grew up in a household devoid of affection - my parents never said "I love you" to each other or anything equally affectionate, my dad was never there for mum emotionally, was never there for me emotionally despite claiming he "loved me more than mum" or what-fucking-ever, he used to be a raging alcoholic who relied on his kid to pull him off the shitty road before getting run over by a fucking car because he hated us and his life (or at least what kid-me recorded in her unreliable noggin), he only provided the bare essentials and would bring it up every time I rebelled and acted out. I fucking resent him, but I also feel extremely spoiled, guilty, I don't know, maybe typical or entitled because I've been super lucky with the things I've been able to afford so far. Like, I get what I want, you know? My soul knows very well that hurting me isn't one of their intentions. I told them I wanted an electric guitar, I got it. I told them I needed a laptop, I got it. A phone? Got it. So why should I even complain, right? Ugh. My mum isn't blame-free either. She completely glossed over the fact that I tried stabbing myself with a kitchen knife when I was 12 or 13 and instead, delivered a bullshit speech about how I wouldn't die instantly and it would hurt and that I should be more careful, think twice before doing something, think about how others would feel, how she would feel, how selfish it would be because they're already doing everything they can to give me a great quality of life. She glossed over the fact that I was self-harming at the age of 13 and instead, repeated the old bullshit speech and told me to "show my scars to see if my classmates would be proud". But I don't have a great quality of life. If anything, I am an angsty, insecure, probably mentally unstable teen who compulsively lies to everyone and is stuck in a suck-ful pandemic. It really makes me jealous to see other people with greatly emphatic and soulful relationships with their parents where they don't have to hide their vulnerabilities.

Yikes, well. At least it doesn't always suck to be with them, I guess?

LOLOL! I just had to throw all this somewhere, I didn't mean to go on a tangent about my crappy childhood. It's been bothering me lately, and A's experience with her family reminded me of my own. She also told me how she gets all weird and awkward when it comes to the concept of being intimate and tender, which is not entirely unexpected considering her experience. You understand, right? I'm comforted to know that she's actively trying to salvage herself, she just needs a little support, that's why I'm here for her. :DDDDD I think I'm the best person to approach about this since I've also been trying to be the exact opposite of my parents (I wanna throw in that saying that felt very illegal and weird because I'm not really a fan of antagonising other people, especially my parents - I know it's really not their intention to alienate me, and I kind of see where they're coming from, so I'm still very open to understanding them as long as they're ready to put in the effort to my program called The dickhead-nator: The Most Anti-dickhead Program to Ever Exist. If not, then I'm never coming back once I set foot in Canada). I'm just sad and lonely that I don't have any tangible relationship with them, I have no idea about their interests, their skills, their hobbies, what they love to do, their youthful years, what their heart is passionate about, literally all the things a kid should know about their parents. Maybe it's because I'm also not trying to know them. I'm definitely not blame-free, LOL. I don't know.

I long for the day when I'm finally in a meadow dotted with dandelions and spring bulbs, when I'm finally okay, finally in the arms of someone I dearly care for and love, finally no longer afraid of anything. I live to dream, be kind, and love. These are the things I think are worth living for. <3!

More soon! :DDD High-key vibing to my honey's playlist. What a lovely bastard ♥______♥!

Edit: If you're wondering why I set the title to 'nacho cheez, i guess?', it's 'cos I was eating cheesy nacho chips whilst writing. Nothing to be concerned about, hehe :P!

Current Mood: bouncy
Current Location: Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?
Current Music: Starlight by Muse

"Pay attention to the feelings and their sources within you. It's an anxiety, an anxiety of the fear of abandonment. Perhaps reflect on your early childhood experience with your parents, particularly your mother. Was she depressed, unavailable in some way, perhaps always angry? Typically, when our childhood experience with our parents is characterized by an anxious seeking of emotional validation from them, then that is what love feels like to us. That becomes our model of love, so in relationships as an adult, subconsciously you think that is how you're supposed to feel and perceive your relationship and partner.

From another perspective, it's typically an indication that you lack a concrete relationship with yourself. You don't feel like you're good enough, that you have value inherent that is not conditional on, say, your relationship. When you feel that your sense of value and self-worth is dependent on your partner, then you will have a sense of ownership over them, and become possessive. This is where the idea of people, although men are typically highlighted because they tend to become dangerously violent compared to women, having a sense of entitlement over their partner, their body, and their emotions. The truth, nobody can complete you, and the more you believe they can, then the more you will feel disappointed and abandoned, and of course we just end up blaming our partners for this.

Through the art of detachment, we can overcome this. Pay attention to your emotions during meditation, and dwell in them, sit in them. Learn about how they arise, and therefore, how they cease. From this we learn that all phenomena, including emotional phenomena and also thought phenomena, are impermanent and thus not essential to us; they don't define us, and from this we can learn that we don't have to feel that way. And as you learn this, you transform yourself. You don't have to be nervous when you have to speak in front of a crowd. You don't have to be nervous speaking to a random girl. You don't have to be jealous in a relationship. These are all learned, and so can be unlearned. Although the longer we ignore them, the deeper they become enmeshed in our neural network.

And when we learn that we don't have to feel that way, we learn that our value actually isn't predicated on how others perceive or react to us. That it is inherent, and focusing the mind on that internal and inherent conscious experience of abundance teaches you that it's already there. But it takes a lot of work and training, that's primarily the purpose of the human religious-spiritual project for thousands of years."

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: Underneath the London Sky :P
Current Music: The Place Where Lost Things Go by Emily Blunt

So you guys remember Pizza, right? Ugh, she's a real bittersweet case. A sweetheart, too. She trusted me at first sight, mercilessly tugged at my swelling heartstrings on the way home, only to leave me in the end. :(

Huff. On a more positive note, Pizza's back with her mother! Hooray! I trust she'll take good care of Pizza. She'd better! >:0 She's just SO PRECIOUS. I hope to see her again someday. *flings myself out of my apartment window*

Anyway! Before I forget, I actually cleaned and cleansed the entire house earlier with incense and a bunch of loud songs. Obviously I meditated too, then slipped into a horribly vivid dream which seemed to revolve around running away from something scary (of course). I reckon it had something to do with the deep tranced shamanic drums music I used for meditation. Et cetera. I'll have to get up later to take care of my soon-to-be moon water, though, so cheers! I'm feeling a whole lot better and positive-r. LOLOL! Those Celtic forest music don't do much for me, they're too cheesy for my liking.

EDIT: If you guys are wondering what I'm doing, I'm just reading this hilarious rant about how bad OP wants grapes with seeds to fuck off. Hey, I'm all for the pros of eating seedless grapes in public, but I'm also all for reproducing delicious grapes. I've got a ton of grape seeds right now, I might start my own grape farm in the future as a recluse somewhere in Ireland LOLOLOL! :DDDD

I wasn't supposed to write anything today since I genuinely thought things would be normal; you know, just a regular day submerged under my usual routine, nothing more.

Well, I was mighty wrong.

So I was walking down the street on the way to the craft shop to get a few glass jars for my moon water when a little kitten started meowing at me and pushing her head against my shoe. That was enough to get my attention. Lots of it. She had a combination of white and black fur, and her tail was outstandingly short, which I don't know the reason for. Inbreeding? Genetics? Did her mum bite off her newborn's tail out of morbid curiosity? I'm not curious enough to know, fortunately.

What did I do?

My instincts told me to meow back, so I did just that; I meowed at her while she rubbed her head against my shoe, and I spent a good minute of my time with her because my body didn't want to move, until. Until.

As I was about to leave for my glass jars, I realised someone was following me.

That bastard of a lovely kitten was following me. OH MY GOD. Not to be dramatic or anything, but I almost died on the spot. TOO MANY BEANS TUGGING ON MY HEARTSTRINGS, SQUEE! It was surreal. I didn't know what else to do, I would put her in danger if I went on to get my glass jars, so I made a beeline for my apartment, fed her cat food and water, gently bathed her, etc. My nephew (she's 4 years old, I think) wanted to name her Pizza, so I just went with it. Trust me, I could've done a better job if there weren't any gremlin child yelling "Pizza" at around 400 decibels.

And yes, it was fucking meant to be, and it sounds too good to be true, stop sniggering you guys! I'm incredibly sad right now. >:'(

Pizza cannot stay with me. I don't think I can provide her the kitten-care she needs right now. Don't get me wrong, I love Pizza to death and it's crazy how a few hours with her already has me in between the cry-or-smile plane, but she really can't stay with me. I'm kind of struggling financially thanks to the pandemic, and my mental health isn't necessarily in tip top shape right now. I don't want to hurt her in any way, but I also don't want her back to that scummy place. People advised me of the risk of bringing Pizza to the animal shelter because 1) there's a chance they'll just intentionally neglect her or 2) euthanise her since taking care of a kitten is extremely tedious and costly. (The shelter is also really far away and I don't want to inconvenience my parents.)

Uh, absolutely not. I think I'm going to cry. I don't know what to do. I might keep her for awhile, or try to find a warm spot at the garage; I'm a bit concerned about Bleu since Pizza has ticks and hasn't had her check-up appointment at the vet. I don't want Bleu to get infected. :(

I'll try to see what I can do. Update soon. xo

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Sticks and Stones by The Pierces

As you all know, I'm part of a big loving community that is The Hive, and recently I went on to comfort a troubled player in the forums who I'll call Toast here. He's just a random player. No biggie. But I thought I should still write about what I wrote because if you haven't noticed, I'm a massive life dilettante, and following my own advice (of quality) is often hard—in fact, always hard. I lack commitment in everything.

I won't be taking pity comments! *huffs*

Anyway, here it is:

@Beepou: I’m sorry to hear that, here’s an internet hug!

After the first pity line, I quoted Abigaili. Odd name, I know, but that's a story for another day! (Abigaili, if you managed to find this, I am genuinely sorry, I ~~don't~~ think your name is odd.)

Abigaili the helper

I tried my best to adjust the width and the height, I really did, so take what you can get. And yes, I know there's a Photobucket watermark, and I know it's 2021. You guys clearly haven't heard of 'storytelling with flair and great panache'. Quit rolling your eyes!

Now, this was me commenting on the quoted text.

And I agree with this! You 100% should not care about what others think of you if you know you’ve already apologised for past mistakes and have changed for the better. I’d like to commend you for your courage, however - recognising your mistakes in unthwarted pursuit of changing is arguably the most important step, no matter how small it may seem. Baby steps matter. Click on the flag button if you feel someone is breaking the rules. I get wanting to improve, but you’re not going to hear what you want to hear if it came from the people who say bad things about you. I promise, you’d rather hear it from the people who genuinely want to support you. Put the horse blinkers on and enjoy the muffin out of what makes you happy! Remember that there’s absolutely no reason why you should care about other people’s opinion if it’s only causing you unwarranted stress.

Be kind to others, yes, but remember to be as kind and as gentle to yourself too! I hope you feel better soon, Toast! You’re an awesome folk!

Well, talk about being a master of conversation LOLOLOL! I'm kidding, I'm just fawning over how insanely passionate I am about helping others. I'm saving this, I might need to hear myself in the future. This serves a hilltop; a landmark; a reminder that no matter what happens, no matter the thoughts my brain often feeds me, I'm still human.

Always a work in progress.

It stays that way forever, and that's exactly why small steps matter.

Be back soon! I wanna work on my book of shadows and study for a bit. Or play Minecraft. Well, ta-ta! xo

Current Music: Curses by The Crane Wives

Eenk.

I actually have nothing big to say other than how much I miss journaling ere I got occupied with the tube app and life in general.

Well, not so much, considering the time. Life? Ha! Who even has that in this day and age? I wouldn't know! My existence depends entirely on what the tube app's algorithm has to offer, and my little lovie named Friend (who's a really sweet pupper for an inanimate stuffed toy!) And that funny block game, I suppose. o7

Short-lived videos about your pet chameleon? Bring that sucker in, hehe!

Anyway! I should really hit the hay. TTYL! More life-y activities to do tomorrow LOLOLOL!

Current Mood: horny
Current Music: Sex Sells by Wilbur Soot

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I am a summer rain drop pierced by sunbeams

comforted by the sweet scent of dew

Entries tagged with life

podcast predicament frowns

time is weird

you can't switch off depression

tantrum: a petty field of sour grapes

gitchee gitchee goo

nacho cheez, i guess?

jealousy and insecurities

pizza the kitten (2)

pizza the kitten

first time capsule

(no subject)